Humour

Here is a collection of my favorite jokes. Most of them are what I had heard or improved up on. There is wit and wisdom up here; many humorous anecdotes and quotes; and a whole of bevy of others that simply defy description.

Indian Humour (Jokes On Indians)

I will begin with India because Mera Bharath Mahan!

Russians and Indians

President Kosygin of the Soviet Union came to India. Indian officials took him on a sightseeing tour. When he came back, he was asked about his opinion about the country. The President complained about the "shining bottoms" he saw everywhere that he went. When Indians went to the Soviet Union they were traveling in a train with Kosgyin. They saw a "shining bottom" next to the tracks and promptly brought it to the attention of the President. The Soviet President immediately ordered his officials to catch that offending person. Sometime later, one of them approached Kosygin and whispered something in his ear. He said, "We caught that guy but he is claiming diplomatic immunity. He is the Indian ambassador."

Billet-Doux

Darling,

Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much meditation, I have a strong inclination to become your relation.

As for my education and qualification it is not exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed matriculation with very little preparation. What do you say to the solemnisation of our marriage celebration according to the regulations, to the glorification of the modern civilization and with a view to the expansion of the population of the present generation.

On your approbation of this application I shall make preparation to improve my situation and if such obligation is worthy of commiseration it will be the augmentation of joy and exaltation of our joint dissimulation.

Thanking you in anticipation.

I remain a victim of your fascination.

To which, it was replied:

Dear Mr. Victim,

Congratulations for your lengthy narration, of course, with full affection aimed at an application for a combination, which on examination I find it a fine presentation of your affirmation. But your inclination to become my relation should embrace more so that you may reach a high position.

You have passed the matriculation with little preparation. What about my graduation after a long botheration. So, improve your situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation, the minimum qualification for consideration of marriage celebration. After your education attend the convocation and before taking your photo undergo beautification.

Further strict observation of the following condition is the regulation for the determination of our relation: consultation with my parents before approaching for any correction, communication of the confirmation that you are not a victim of any other fascination, and that procreation must not be your recreation.

In anticipation of solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.

I remain unaffected by your attraction.

Why was Gandhi bald?

Well, Gandhi was doing தவம் (tapas) and God took his sweet time showing up. By the time God made his appearance, Gandhi was in a foul mood. God asked, "Son, what do you want?" Gandhi replied, "எனக்கு ஒரு மயிரும் வேணா!"

Gandhi's reply is in Tamil. Your OS and browser needs to have support for Tamil (Indic languages) for you to read the Tamil text. Try installing a font such as TAMu_Kadambri.ttf or Latha.ttf. If you do not know Tamil, then just don't bother. You will never get it, as the humour will be lost in translation.

World Standard

The Cinemala spoof of the remake of Malayalam film Rathinirvedham explains what is not the the Malayali standard but the Indian and world standard.

American Humour (Jokes On Americans)

Will the guy who wants to be "one among many" stand up?

U.S. Continues Proud Tradition Of Diversity On Frontlines

CAMP COYOTE, KUWAIT: With blacks and Hispanics comprising more than 60 percent of the Army's ground forces in Iraq, the U.S. military is continuing its long, proud tradition of multiculturalism on the frontlines of war. "Though racism and discrimination remain problems in society at large, in the military, especially in the lower ranks where you find the cannon fodder, a spirit of inclusiveness has prevailed for decades," Gen. Jim White said Monday. "When it comes to having your head blown off by enemy fire, America is truly colorblind." - From TheOnion.com.

An Obama Joke

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the promised land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the promised land!

Furthermore, I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, diminished savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Relax, Iraqis! Americans Are Not Nazis!

During the Iraq war, CNN claimed that George W. Bush should be seen under much better light than (guess who) Adolf Hitler! CNN's military analyst Gen. Wesley Clark claimed that Iraqis had fared much better than Yugoslavs did when they were attacked by Nazis in 1941. You did not know that factoid, didn't you? Aren't the Iraqis lucky to have Americans bombing their houses? Those crybabies!

Here is part of the CNN transcript:

But after the war's end, media surveys of Baghdad hospitals alone counted almost 2000 civilian deaths. Gen. Wesley Clark: "They are totally regrettable, but they are LOW by historical standards. When the Germans attacked Belgrade on 6th of April 1941, they began the attack with a bombing campaign. 17,000 Yugoslavs were killed in the first night of the German bombing.

Quotations

American companies will have a big shot at Iraqi oil.

- Ahmed Chalabi, head of Iraqi National Congress, an outfit that was initially promoted by the CIA and later disowned by the U.S. government on charges for spying for Iran. On the CBS TV network, the 60 Minutes programme reported that Mr. Chalabi was working, "with the President's [GEORGE W. BUSH] and Vice President's [DICK CHENEY] friends in the oil industry, promising executives of both ChevronTexaco and ExxonMobil preferential treatment in a post-Sadam Iraq."
- ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
- BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.
- DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.
- EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.
- FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
- GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.
- HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
- IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.
- Ambrose Bierce in Devil's Dictionary
Anti-retroviral drugs are "extremely toxic" so that as many as "forty percent of people... who are HIV positive do not take the drugs... because they get so sick from the drugs that they cannot survive."

- Andrew Natsios, on why USAID advocates " "abstinence, faithfulness and the use of condoms" instead of drugs as a means to fight AIDS in Africa.
The future of India is in your hands.

- I saw this written on the wall above the urinal in men's toilet in Connemara Public Library, Egmore, Madras.
It is difficult to find a black cat in a dark room, particularly when there is no cat.

- Confucius (551-459 BCE)
In my 30-year history in the Drug Enforcement Administration and related agencies, the major targets of my investigations almost invariably turned out to be working for the CIA.

- Dennis Dayle (The CIA and Drugs)
We shall introduce into this history in general only those events which may be useful first to ourselves and afterwards to posterity.

- Eusebius, on the Roman Catholic Church in Ecclesiastical History
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

- George Bernard Shaw in Man and Superman
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
- George Santayana
We should always be disposed to believe that which appears to us to be white is really black, if the hierarchy of the church so decides.

- St. Ignatius Loyola
I want no prisoners. I wish you to kill and burn. The more you kill and burn the better it will please me.

- Brig. Gen. Jake Smith to US troops in response to guerilla tactics adopted by Filipino freedom fighters. Subsequently, more than 600,000 Filipinos were killed out of a population of only 7 million.
Only the ugly ones are protesting.

- J. H. Patel, Chief Minister, Karnataka, about protests by women's organisations against a beauty pageant competition.
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.

- Jilly Cooper
When you came, we held the land and you the Bible. Now, you hold the land and we the Bible.

- Jomo Kenyatta to Christian missionaries.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

- Mae West
Men talk to my breasts.

- Mallika Sherawat
- Adam was but human - this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
- A friend is someone who supports you when you are in the wrong. Just anyone will support you when you are in the right.
- Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
- Hinduism is a good religion, but very difficult.
- If you always tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
- It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
- Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
- Mark Twain
First, that their synagogues be burned down, and that all who are able toss sulphur and pitch; it would be good if someone could also throw in some hellfire...

- Martin Luther, the founder of the Protestant religion in his On The Jews and Their Lies
Opinions are like a$$hole$. Everyone has one.

- Pooja Bedi, who in the 90s wanted to be known as India's sex symbol.
I don't need a microphone; I need a silencer.

- Ram Jethmalani at a press conference, when asked by assembled journalists to either use a microphone or raise his voice.
Now, I think things have gotten so bad inside Iraq, from the standpoint of the Iraqi people, my belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.

- Dick Cheney, U.S. (Vice)-President in 2003, before the invasion of Iraq.
I helped make Mexico, especially Tampico, safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenues in. I helped in the raping of half a dozen Central American republics for the benefits of Wall Street. The record of racketeering is long. I helped purify Nicaragua for the international banking house of Brown Brothers in 1909-1912. I brought light to the Dominican Republic for American sugar interests in 1916. In China I helped to see to it that Standard Oil went its way unmolested.

- Maj. Gen. Smedley Butler (A Brief History of U.S. Interventions)
It was heartening to see your editorial asking the Indian government not to send troops to Iraq. Some commentators have been supporting the idea of sending troops, imagining that it would fetch us a few crumbs in reconstruction contracts. But a certain streak of US politics has decided to canalise the collective grief of 9-11 for private profit. So why should we help them out by lowering the dignity of our men in uniform? Americans themselves never place their troops under a foreign commander; not even in UN-sponsored missions. They have troops in 130 countries and their resources are getting stretched in Iraq.

Iraq's invasion seems to have sinister motivations. George Shultz of Bechtel wrote an op-ed article in The Washington Times, months before the invasion, saying that "a strong foundation exists for immediate military action against [Saddam] Hussein and for a multilateral effort to rebuild Iraq after he is gone." The neo-conservative think-tank Project for the New American Century (PNAC) reveals in a paper that President Bush and his cabinet were planning a premeditated attack on Iraq for regime change even before assuming power in January 2001. The document was authored by Dick Cheney (now the vice-president), Donald Rumsfeld (defence secretary), Paul Wolfowitz (Rumsfeld's deputy), George W Bush's younger brother Jeb and Lewis Libby (Cheney's chief of staff).

- My letter to the Editor of The Economic Times published on 13 June 2003. George Shultz's company Bechtel was awarded numerous no-bid reconstruction contracts beginning with an $680-million Iraqi reconstruction contract by USAID. It was also in charge alloting several reconstruction contracts to other contractors. Bechtel is the largest contract engineering company in the world. It is privately held and had revenues of over $13 billion last year. It built most of the nuclear power plants in the US. In one instance, it installed a nuclear reactor backwards! It also got many contracts to clean up the mess that was created when building the plants. In Papua New Guinea, a dam being built by Bechtel to contain toxic wastes from the Ok Tedi gold mine collapsed and wastes poured into the Fly river at the rate of 80,000 tonnes a day. Bechtel recently brought a $25 million lawsuit against Bolivia for canceling a contract to manage the Cochabamba water system, which resulted in skyrocketing rates for local people. In India, Bechtel is part owner of the failed Enron project. Enron's Rebecca Mark admitted that $60 millions was spent in "educating Indians." Subsequently, Shiv Sena leader Bal Thackeray okayed the project, who until then was violently opposed to the project. Atal Behari Vajpayee, in his short-lived, 13-day government, found enough time to provide soveriegn guarantees to pass the project. The huge guarantees (including those on profits) wiped out the coffers of the Maharashtra electricity board. Though the project was touted as a test case on foreign investment in India, it was bankrolled by Indian financial institutions and banks, against whom Bechtel has initiated arbitration proceedings. In case of bankruptcy, creditors' claim overrides that of promoters but Bechtel along with other shareholders want an exception.
Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.

- Tom Stoppard

Tech Humour

If you are in the software industry, then you may have received some of these jokes by e-mail.

Derived Indian Programming Classes

  
class Indian_Spinster_Female_Professional {
  double styles;
  long time_to_understand_problems;
  float mind;
  void knowledge();
  char non_co_operative;
};

class Married_Female_Software_Professional {
  double weight;
  short tempered;
  long gossips;
  float hopes;
  void work();
  char unstable;
};

class Female_Engaged_Software_Professional {
  double time_on_phone;
  short attention_on_work;
  long boast;
  float on_cloud_nine;
  void understanding();
  char edgy;
};

class Indian_Newly_Married_Software_Professional {
  double dinner_invitations;
  short time_at_work;
  long lunch_breaks;
  float talks;
  void bank_balance();
  char hen_pecked;
};

class Indian_Husband_Wife_Software_Professional {
  double income;
  short temper;
  long time_no_see;
  float new_software_company;
  void love();
};

class Guy_who_wrote_this {
  long time_on_bench; // free resource
  void work();
}

Surefire Way To Stop Requests For Gratitious Forwarding

How many times have you received an e-mail that ended like this?

Please forward to all. This may be helpful for someone…

Every time an e-mail is forwarded indiscriminately, it accumulates e-mail addresses. By the time a spammer gets the forward, the e-mail would have accumulated hundreds of corporate e-mail addresses complete with designation and other details. In spammers world, such messages are email gold.

The correct way to forward unofficial mail is to put e-mail addresses of all recipients in bcc (blind carbon copy) and put your own email address as the To recipient. This way, you respect the privacy and the e-mail addresses of your friends.

However, there will be some people will not get the point even if you tell them several times. Stronger methods are advised in such cases. Use this e-mail.

Lawn Care

This mail is being sent to you because I know you are critically interested in your front lawn. You are invited to join the Fertilize Your Lawn Club and it will not cost you a cent. Upon receipt of this message, go to the address at the top of the list and $hít on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there. So, do not feel embarrassed. Remove the name at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom. Then, send the message to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns. You will not get any cash or checks, but within one week, if the chain is not broken, there will be 9,915 people $hítting on your front lawn. Your reward will come later this summer when you will have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One man didn't give a $hít and lost his entire lawn.

Knock Knock Joke On Java

Knock! Knock!
"Who's there?"
(… a very long pause)
"Java."

Performance Appraisal By HR

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE	Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED	Made no major blunders yet
ACTIVE SOCIALLY	Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY	Spouse drinks, too
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH	Still one step ahead of the law
QUICK THINKING	Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER	Won't make a decision
PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT	Buys drinks for all the boys
AGGRESSIVE	Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS	Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL	Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL	A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES	Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT	Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR	Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED	Back-stabber
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION	Gets to work on time
RELAXED ATTITUDE	Sleeps at desk
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY	Too ugly to get a date
INDEPENDENT WORKER	Nobody knows what he/she does
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS	Able to bull$hit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS	Spends lots of time on phone
LOYAL	Can't get a job anywhere else

Funny Images

Sometimes, a picture is better than a thousand words.

Toilet Humour

Please do not try this at home.

Importance Of Water

We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written down like this before.

75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism by as much as 3%.
One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of participating dieters in a University of Washington study.
Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen, or
Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%. Plus, it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%. And, one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? No kidding, all of the above is true.

Of course, too much water may have strange side effects. See picture below. (Or, click on the box displayed below.)