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Here is a collection of my favorite jokes. Most of them are what I had heard or improved up on. There is wit and wisdom up here; many humorous anecdotes and quotes; and a whole of bevy of others that simply defy description.
I will begin with India because Mera Bharath Mahan!
A spacecraft that was orbiting the earth developed a major snag and lost all contacts with ground control. The craft was slowly losing altitude and was destined crash down somewhere on the earth's surface. The crew consisted of an American, a Russian and an Indian. The Russian put his hand out of the window and some time later he said that they were flying over Russia. When asked how he knew that, he said, "One of our rockets just went by and singed my hand. We send so many of them." The American then put his hand out and some time later he claimed that they were flying over the USA. "Buildings in New York are so tall, one of them just scraped my hand," he said. The Indian knew he could not compare his country with that of the American or the Russian. With no hope whatsoever, he still put his hand out. Few moments later, he claimed, "We are flying over India! We are flying over India!" His companions were surprised as they also had no big expectations from the Indian. The Indian explained, "I put my hand out and my watch disappeared."
Pervez Musharaf, Manmohan Singh, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia Gandhi are travelling in a train.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharaf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Sonia thinks: These Pakistanis are all crazy after Aishwarya. Musharaf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
Aishwarya thinks: Musharaf must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.
Musharaf thinks: Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
Manmohan thinks: If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Musharaf again… JAI HIND.
Darling,
Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much meditation, I have a strong inclination to become your relation.
As for my education and qualification it is not exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed matriculation with very little preparation. What do you say to the solemnisation of our marriage celebration according to the regulations, to the glorification of the modern civilization and with a view to the expansion of the population of the present generation.
On your approbation of this application I shall make preparation to improve my situation and if such obligation is worthy of commiseration it will be the augmentation of joy and exaltation of our joint dissimulation.
Thanking you in anticipation.
I remain a victim of your fascination.
To which, it was replied:
Dear Mr. Victim,
Congratulations for your lengthy narration, of course, with full affection aimed at an application for a combination, which on examination I find it a fine presentation of your affirmation. But your inclination to become my relation should embrace more so that you may reach a high position.
You have passed the matriculation with little preparation. What about my graduation after a long botheration. So, improve your situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation, the minimum qualification for consideration of marriage celebration. After your education attend the convocation and before taking your photo undergo beautification.
Further strict observation of the following condition is the regulation for the determination of our relation: consultation with my parents before approaching for any correction, communication of the confirmation that you are not a victim of any other fascination, and that procreation must not be your recreation.
In anticipation of solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.
I remain unaffected by your attraction.
Well, Gandhi was doing தவம் (tapas) and God took his sweet time showing up. By the time God made his appearance, Gandhi was in a foul mood. God asked, "Son, what do you want?" Gandhi replied, "எனக்கு ஒரு மயிரும் வேணா!"
Gandhi's reply is in Tamil. Your OS and browser needs to have support for Tamil (Indic languages) for you to read the Tamil text. Try installing a font such as TAMu_Kadambri.ttf or Latha.ttf. If you do not know Tamil, then just don't bother. You will never get it, as the humour will be lost in translation.
Will the guy who wants to be "one among many" stand up?
CAMP COYOTE, KUWAIT: With blacks and Hispanics comprising more than 60 percent of the Army's ground forces in Iraq, the U.S. military is continuing its long, proud tradition of multiculturalism on the frontlines of war. "Though racism and discrimination remain problems in society at large, in the military, especially in the lower ranks where you find the cannon fodder, a spirit of inclusiveness has prevailed for decades," Gen. Jim White said Monday. "When it comes to having your head blown off by enemy fire, America is truly colorblind." - From TheOnion.com.
The following is a transcript (supposedly) of a conversation between the captain of a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Canada in international waters.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert your course.
Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three Destroyers, three Cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North, that's one five degrees North, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
- From AsianJoke.com
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came onto in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a stongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The first Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultry. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklestines, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which was another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wive. This is called monotony. The Bible preaches against polygamy, because it says that no man can serve two masters.
- Supposedly from National Review magazine article quoting actual answers by students.
People in Japan use a totally different line of emoticons. Unlike Western Smileys, Japanese smileys do not require you to tilt your head to recognise them. Here are some samples.
| (^ ^) | Smiling | (*^_^*) | Blushes when smiling |
| \(^o^)/ | Raising hands and saying 'Wow' | (>_<) | Ouch - Indicating pain or failure |
| (T _ T) | Crying - Tears run down the cheeks | (-_-)zzz | Sleeping |
| (^_^)V | Showing the victory sign | (p_-) | Magnifying glass - Trying uncover some secret |
| (^^)// | Applauding | (-_-) | Getting angry, but not expressing it. |
| (@-@) | Feeling dizzy or giddy | (>_< )( >_<) | Denying something by shaking the head. |
| (=^.^=) | Cat - Am I pretty? | <*)) >=< | Fish |
- From Hiroette.com
- Ahmed Chalabi, head of Iraqi National Congress, an outfit that was initially promoted by the CIA and later disowned by the U.S. government on charges for spying for Iran. On the CBS TV network, the 60 Minutes programme reported that Mr. Chalabi was working, "with the President's [GEORGE W. BUSH] and Vice President's [DICK CHENEY] friends in the oil industry, promising executives of both ChevronTexaco and ExxonMobil preferential treatment in a post-Sadam Iraq."American companies will have a big shot at Iraqi oil.
- Ambrose Bierce in Devil's Dictionary
- ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
- BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.
- DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.
- EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.
- FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
- GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.
- HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
- IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.
- Andrew Natsios, on why USAID advocates " "abstinence, faithfulness and the use of condoms" instead of drugs as a means to fight AIDS in Africa.
Anti-retroviral drugs are "extremely toxic" so that as many as "forty percent of people... who are HIV positive do not take the drugs... because they get so sick from the drugs that they cannot survive."
- I saw this written on the wall above the urinal in men's toilet in Connemara Public Library, Egmore, Madras.The future of India is in your hands.
- Confucius (551-459 BCE)It is difficult to find a black cat in a dark room, particularly when there is no cat.
- Dennis Dayle (The CIA and Drugs)In my 30-year history in the Drug Enforcement Administration and related agencies, the major targets of my investigations almost invariably turned out to be working for the CIA.
- Eusebius, on the Roman Catholic Church in Ecclesiastical HistoryWe shall introduce into this history in general only those events which may be useful first to ourselves and afterwards to posterity.
- George Bernard Shaw in Man and SupermanThe reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
- George SantayanaThose who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
- St. Ignatius LoyolaWe should always be disposed to believe that which appears to us to be white is really black, if the hierarchy of the church so decides.
- Brig. Gen. Jake Smith to US troops in response to guerilla tactics adopted by Filipino freedom fighters. Subsequently, more than 600,000 Filipinos were killed out of a population of only 7 million.I want no prisoners. I wish you to kill and burn. The more you kill and burn the better it will please me.
- J. H. Patel, Chief Minister, Karnataka, about protests by women's organisations against a beauty pageant competition.Only the ugly ones are protesting.
- Jilly CooperThe male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
" - Jomo Kenyatta to Christian missionaries.When you came, we held the land and you the Bible. Now, you hold the land and we the Bible.
- Mae WestGive a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
- Mallika SherawatMen talk to my breasts.
- Mark Twain
- Adam was but human - this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
- A friend is someone who supports you when you are in the wrong. Just anyone will support you when you are in the right.
- Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
- Hinduism is a good religion, but very difficult.
- If you always tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
- It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
- Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
- Martin Luther, the founder of the Protestant religion in his On The Jews and Their LiesFirst, that their synagogues be burned down, and that all who are able toss sulphur and pitch; it would be good if someone could also throw in some hellfire...
- Pooja Bedi, who in the 90s wanted to be known as India's sex symbol.Opinions are like a$$hole$. Everyone has one.
- Ram Jethmalan at a press conference, when asked by assembled journalists to either use a microphone or raise his voice.I don't need a microphone; I need a silencer.
- Dick Cheney, U.S. (Vice)-President in 2003, before the invasion of Iraq.Now, I think things have gotten so bad inside Iraq, from the standpoint of the Iraqi people, my belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.
- Maj. Gen. Smedley Butler (A Brief History of U.S. Interventions)I helped make Mexico, especially Tampico, safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenues in. I helped in the raping of half a dozen Central American republics for the benefits of Wall Street. The record of racketeering is long. I helped purify Nicaragua for the international banking house of Brown Brothers in 1909-1912. I brought light to the Dominican Republic for American sugar interests in 1916. In China I helped to see to it that Standard Oil went its way unmolested.
- My letter to the Editor of The Economic Times published on 13 June 2003. George Shultz's company Bechtel was awarded numerous no-bid reconstruction contracts beginning with an $680-million Iraqi reconstruction contract by USAID. It was also in charge alloting several reconstruction contracts to other contractors. Bechtel is the largest contract engineering company in the world. It is privately held and had revenues of over $13 billion last year. It built most of the nuclear power plants in the US. In one instance, it installed a nuclear reactor backwards! It also got many contracts to clean up the mess that was created when building the plants. In Papua New Guinea, a dam being built by Bechtel to contain toxic wastes from the Ok Tedi gold mine collapsed and wastes poured into the Fly river at the rate of 80,000 tonnes a day. Bechtel recently brought a $25 million lawsuit against Bolivia for canceling a contract to manage the Cochabamba water system, which resulted in skyrocketing rates for local people. In India, Bechtel is part owner of the failed Enron project. Enron's Rebecca Mark admitted that $60 millions was spent in "educating Indians." Subsequently, Shiv Sena leader Bal Thackeray okayed the project, who until then was violently opposed to the project. Atal Behari Vajpayee, in his short-lived, 13-day government, found enough time to provide soveriegn guarantees to pass the project. The huge guarantees (including those on profits) wiped out the coffers of the Maharashtra electricity board. Though the project was touted as a test case on foreign investment in India, it was bankrolled by Indian financial institutions and banks, against whom Bechtel has initiated arbitration proceedings. In case of bankruptcy, creditors' claim overrides that of promoters but Bechtel along with other shareholders want an exception.It was heartening to see your editorial asking the Indian government not to send troops to Iraq. Some commentators have been supporting the idea of sending troops, imagining that it would fetch us a few crumbs in reconstruction contracts. But a certain streak of US politics has decided to canalise the collective grief of 9-11 for private profit. So why should we help them out by lowering the dignity of our men in uniform? Americans themselves never place their troops under a foreign commander; not even in UN-sponsored missions. They have troops in 130 countries and their resources are getting stretched in Iraq.
Iraq's invasion seems to have sinister motivations. George Shultz of Bechtel wrote an op-ed article in The Washington Times, months before the invasion, saying that "a strong foundation exists for immediate military action against [Saddam] Hussein and for a multilateral effort to rebuild Iraq after he is gone." The neo-conservative think-tank Project for the New American Century (PNAC) reveals in a paper that President Bush and his cabinet were planning a premeditated attack on Iraq for regime change even before assuming power in January 2001. The document was authored by Dick Cheney (now the vice-president), Donald Rumsfeld (defence secretary), Paul Wolfowitz (Rumsfeld's deputy), George W Bushs younger brother Jeb and Lewis Libby (Cheney's chief of staff).
- Tom StoppardRevolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.
When you think in one language and speak in another, you are bound to make mistakes. But, only Navjot Singh Sidhu can make them sound so good and so thought-provoking. Here are some samples.
If you are in the software industry, then you may have received some of these jokes by e-mail.
class Indian_Spinster_Female_Professional {
double styles;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge();
char non_co_operative;
};
class Married_Female_Software_Professional {
double weight;
short tempered;
long gossips;
float hopes;
void work();
char unstable;
};
class Female_Engaged_Software_Professional {
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding();
char edgy;
};
class Indian_Newly_Married_Software_Professional {
double dinner_invitations;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_breaks;
float talks;
void bank_balance();
char hen_pecked;
};
class Indian_Husband_Wife_Software_Professional {
double income;
short temper;
long time_no_see;
float new_software_company;
void love();
};
class Guy_who_wrote_this {
long time_on_bench; // free resource
void work();
}
How many times have you received an e-mail that ended like this?
Please forward to all. This may be helpful for someone…
Every time an e-mail is forwarded indiscriminately, it accumulates e-mail addresses. By the time a spammer gets the forward, the e-mail would have accumulated hundreds of corporate e-mail address complete with designation and other details. In spammers world, such messages are email gold.
The correct way to forward unofficial mail is to put e-mail addresses of all recipients in bcc (blind carbon copy) and put your own email address as the To recipient. This way, you respect the privacy and the e-mail addresses of your friends.
However, there will be some people will not get the point even if you tell them several times. Stronger methods are advised in such odd cases. You can try forwarding this e-mail.
Lawn Care
This mail is being sent to you because I know you are critically interested in your front lawn. You are invited to join the Fertilize Your Lawn Club and it will not cost you a cent. Upon receipt of this message, go to the address at the top of the list and $hít on their front lawn. You will not be the only one there. So, do not feel embarrassed. Remove the name at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom. Then, send the message to five of your friends who appreciate good lawns. You will not get any cash or checks, but within one week, if the chain is not broken, there will be 9,915 people $hítting on your front lawn. Your reward will come later this summer when you will have the greenest lawn in your neighborhood.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One man didn't give a $hít and lost his entire lawn.
Knock! Knock!
"Who's there?"
(… a very long pause)
"Java."
| AVERAGE EMPLOYEE | Not too bright |
| EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED | Made no major blunders yet |
| ACTIVE SOCIALLY | Drinks a lot |
| FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY | Spouse drinks, too |
| CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH | Still one step ahead of the law |
| QUICK THINKING | Offers plausible excuses |
| CAREFUL THINKER | Won't make a decision |
| PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT | Buys drinks for all the boys |
| AGGRESSIVE | Obnoxious |
| USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS | Gets someone else to do it |
| EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL | Speaks English |
| METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL | A nit picker |
| HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES | Is tall or has a loud voice |
| EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT | Lucky |
| KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR | Knows a lot of dirty jokes |
| CAREER MINDED | Back Stabber |
| OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION | Gets to work on time |
| RELAXED ATTITUDE | Sleeps at desk |
| WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY | Too ugly to get a date |
| INDEPENDENT WORKER | Nobody knows what he/she does |
| GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS | Able to bullshit |
| GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS | Spends lots of time on phone |
| LOYAL | Can't get a job anywhere else |
A newly married husband complained:
Dear Tech Support Team,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all system activities. Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the "uninstall" doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
Customer support replied:
Dear Troubled User,
This is a very common problem that people complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system after installation. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.
I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the environment. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to keep a handy desktop shortcut for the command C:\APOLOGIZE because you will have to anyway give this command each time before the system returns to normal.
Wife 1.0 is a great program but is not high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and Do Laundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0.
STATUTORY WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, “Where did you get that bike?”
The other student replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want'.”
The first student responds, “Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
Sometimes, a picture is better than a thousand words.
We all know that water is important but I've never seen it written down like this before.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day? No kidding, all of the above is true.
Of course, too much water may have strange side effects. See picture below. (Or, click on the box displayed below.)
I adapted this joke from an e-mail message found in the Google cache of a Harvard university Web page.
Just to grab headlines, several Indian corporates started low-fare airlines. Competition became nasty after the playfield became crowded.
This is a fake ad that gives a new meaning to the phrase "read between the lines."
---oO0O---
This article was first published in November 2004.
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© V. Subhash, 2009. All rights reserved.
Moral Volcano is the work of a thinker, philosopher, software programmer, web designer, technical writer, lexicographer, hacker, and amateur photographer named V. Subhash.
