• Mera Bharat Mahan: A spacecraft that was orbiting the earth developed a major snag and lost all connections with ground control. It was then hurtling itself towards the earth in a slow spiral. The crew consisted of an American, a Russian and an Indian. The Russian put his hand out of the window and after a few minutes he said that they were flying over Russia. When asked how he knew that, he said, "One of our rockets just went by and singed my hand. We send so many of them." The American then put his hand out and some time later he claimed that they were flying over the USA. The Russian asked him how he knew that to be true. "A building in New York scraped my hand. As they are the tallest in the world, I knew we were flying over USA," the American replied. The American and the Russian were now looking at the Indian and for good manner's sake he put his hand out. And, much to his companions' surprise, he announced that they were flying over India. The Russian and American were skeptical and the Indian explained, "I put my hand out and my watch disappeared."¹
• Election Campaign GK Test For Dubya Conducted By Andy Hiller:
  "Can you name the president of Chechnya?" Hiller asked. (Aslan Maskhadov, the Chechen terrorist leader, had then become the President of the Chechenya in a deal pushed by Western lending institutions.)
  "No, can you?" Bush replied.
  "Can you name the president of Taiwan?" Hiller asked.
  "Yeah, Lee," responded Bush, referring to Taiwanese President Lee Teng-hui.
  "Can you name the general who is in charge of Pakistan?" asked Hiller, enquiring about Gen. Pervaiz Musharraf, who took power the previous month through a military coup.
  "Wait, wait, is this 50 questions?" replied Bush.
  Hiller replied: "No, it’s four questions of four leaders in four hot spots."
  Bush said: "The new Pakistani general, he’s just been elected-not elected, this guy took over office. It appears this guy is going to bring stability to the country and I think that’s good news for the sub-continent."
  Hiller persisted, saying, "Can you name him?"
  Bush said: "General. I can name the general. General."
  "And the prime minister of India?" asked Hiller, inquiring about Atal Behari Vajpayee who was then recently re-elected. (Vajpayee had in the previous year conducted a nuclear test. The test was conducted on the same day as the first Indian nuclear test, Buddha Purnima. American spy satellites were busy tracking a missile test conducted off the Orissa coastline and missed the action in Rajasthan.)
  Bush said: "The new prime minister of India is-no."
• U.S. Continues Proud Tradition Of Diversity On Frontlines
  CAMP COYOTE, KUWAIT—With blacks and Hispanics comprising more than 60 percent of the Army's ground forces in Iraq, the U.S. military is continuing its long, proud tradition of multiculturalism on the frontlines of war. "Though racism and discrimination remain problems in society at large, in the military—especially in the lower ranks where you find the cannon fodder—a spirit of inclusiveness has prevailed for decades," Gen. Jim White said Monday. "When it comes to having your head blown off by enemy fire, America is truly colorblind." - From The Onion
• US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright's Interview In May 1996
  LESLEY STAHL: More than 500,000 Iraqi children are already dead as a direct result of the UN sanctions. Do you think the price is worth paying?
  MADELEINE ALBRIGHT: It is a difficult question. But, yes, we think the price is worth it.
  - On 60 Minutes from CBS TV. Though Ms. Albright later said she regretted the remark, her government continued the policy without any sense of remorse.

• In a Tokyo Hotel:
  Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notice.

• In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
  The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

• In a Leipzig elevator:
  Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

• In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
  To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

• In a Paris hotel elevator:
  Please leave your values at the front desk.

• In a hotel in Athens:
  Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

• In a Yugoslavian hotel:
  The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

• In a Japanese hotel:
  You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

• In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery:
  You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

• In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
  Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

• On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
  Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

• On the menu of a Polish hotel:
  Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

• Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
  Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

• In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
  Drop your trousers here for best results.

• In a Rhodes tailor shop:
  Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

• From the Soviet Weekly:
  There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

• A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
  It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

• In a Zurich hotel:
  Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

• In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
  Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

• In a Rome laundry:
  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

• In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
  Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

• Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
  Would you like to ride on your own ass?

• In a Bangkok temple:
  It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

• In a Tokyo bar:
  Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

• In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
  We take your bags and send them in all directions.

• On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
  If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

• In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
  Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

• In a Budapest zoo:
  Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

• In the office of a Roman doctor:
  Specialist in women and other diseases.

• In an Acapulco hotel:
  The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

• In a Tokyo shop:
  Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

• From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
  Cooler and Heater: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

• From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
  When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

- AsianJoke.com

---o0o---

Everyone knows that Google is the most sexiest search engine out there. But, are you aware that it is also the most horniest search engine too?
This screenshot was taken from an old version [2.0.102-deleon/en (GGLD)] of the Google Toolbar. When uninstalled, the toolbar writes the message "Please this window" on the browser window instead of "Please close this window."

Before reading the descriptions, just run through the different types and select the one that you think you belong to, and then read the description.

Here is a cool idea. Print this joke on a sheet of paper and fold it backwards between the types and descriptions. Show the types side to your friend and ask him to choose one. After he has made a choice, allow him to read the description. It should be great fun.

EXCITABLE TYPES	Pants are twisted, can't find fly, and finally rips pants in anger
SOCIAL TYPES	Joins pals for a píss whether or not he wants to or not.
TIMID TYPES	Cannot píss if anyone is watching, pretends he has already píssed, and sneaks back later.
NOISY TYPES	Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to take a look at the other fellow's tool.
INDIFFERENT TYPES	All urìnals are occupied. písses in the sink.
CLEVER TYPES	Písses without holding tool in the hand and shows off by adjusting tie.
VAIN TYPES	Undoes five buttons when two would do.
INTELLECTUAL TYPES	Opens vest, takes out tie, and písses in his pants.
ABSENT-MINDED TYPES	Not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive examination of his tool while píssing.
CHILDISH TYPES	Looks at bubbles in bottom of urìnal while píssing.
STRONG TYPES	Bangs tool on the side of urìnal to knock off the last drops.
DRUNKEN TYPES	Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one back, and písses in his pants.
COCKEYED TYPES	Stands at one urìnal and písses at the next one.
SHY TYPES	Covers his tool with both hands and písses through his fingers.
NASTY TYPES	Takes dick out, starts píssing, sneezes violently, and písses all over the next guy.

Billet- doux ²

Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much meditation, I have a strong inclination to become your relation.

As for my education and qualification it is not exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed matriculation with very little preparation. What do you say to the solemnisation of our marriage celebration according to the regulations, to the glorification of the modern civilization and with a view to the expansion of the population of the present generation.

On your approbation of this application I shall make preparation to improve my situation and if such obligation is worthy of commiseration it will be the augmentation of joy and exaltation of our joint dissimulation.

Thanking you in anticipation.

I remain a victim of your fascination.

Dear Mr. Victim,

Congratulations for your lengthy narration, of course, with full affection aimed at an application for a combination, which on examination I find it a fine presentation of your affirmation. But your inclination to become my relation should embrace more so that you may reach a high position.

You have passed the matriculation with little preparation. What about my graduation after a long botheration. So, improve your situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation, the minimum qualification for consideration of marriage celebration. After your education attend the convocation and before taking your photo undergo beautification.

Further strict observation of the following condition is the regulation for the determination of our relation: consultation with my parents before approaching for any correction, communication of the confirmation that you are not a victim of any other fascination, and that procreation must not be your recreation.

In anticipation of solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation.

I remain unaffected by your attraction.

---o0o---

The Gospel According To Babes

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came onto in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a stongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The first Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultry. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklestines, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taximan. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which was another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wive. This is called monotony. The Bible preaches against polygamy, because it says that no man can serve two masters.

- Actual answers by students (National Review magazine)

Cosmic Audit

The authors give us some very interesting figures. They have no use for the traditional biblical chronology, which allows man a bare 4000 years of sojourn on earth (According to a 17th century computation³, Man appeared on the earth on October 23 of BC 4004 and the apostles were already getting ready for the end of the world in their times). Our authors however take a long stride, back and forth, go back to 5.5 million years when Homo appeared on the scene and they traverse 4 billion years in future. Undeterred by the fact that the new perspective involves grave theological problems, they boldly audit for us the missionary activity for all this era.

By the time Jesus came, 5.5 million years had already elapsed and 118 billion men and women had already lived and died, all ipso facto destined for hell as they did not know Christ. But new prospects opened for mankind after AD 33 when the Kingdom of Heaven was announced and inaugurated. Heaven, empty until then, began to be populated though rather unexpectedly slowly in the beginning. But by 1990, there are already 8 billion dead believers (Church Triumphant), all qualifying for habitation in the new region. They are however still only 5.68% of unbelievers destined for hell, quarters across the street. But the demographic composition continues to improve in their favour. By AD 2100, they are 8.57%, and at the end of 4 billion years, they are fully 99.90%, the Christian heaven holding 9 decillion (one decillion is ten followed by 33 zeros) believers.

In AD 1,00,000, believers are still only 85% of the total living population. But by AD 4 billion, the gap practically closes and almost all are believers. The Great commission is fulfilled and missionaries are freed from their obligation to God and His Son.

The population figures given here take into account men whose longevity after AD 2500 turns gradually into immortality, and new men and human species artificially created by mass cloning and genetic engineering (Missionaries of the future believing, brave new world will have a different role; they will increasingly be able to raise their own crop of believers through genetic technology); they take into account humans increasingly living on off-earth space colonies, then across other galaxies and universes. In AD 4 billion, the "ultimate size of the Church of Jesus Christ," the authors estimate, will be "1 decillion believers," not counting 9 decillion dead by then....
- From a review by Ram Swarup in The Statesman of Seven Hundred Plans To Evangelize The World: The Rise of a Global Evangelization Movement, by David Barrett and James W. Reapsome.

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Nuggets From Western Philosophy

• Deuteronomy 23:1 "He that is wounded in the stones [TÈSTICLES], or hath his privy member [PÈNIS] cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD."
• Ezekiel 4:12,13 "And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dùng [FÈCÈS] that cometh out of man, in their sight. And the Lord said, Even thus shall the children of Israel eat their defiled bread among the Gentiles, whither I will drive them."
• Ezekiel 23:20 "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission [SÈMEN] was like that of a horse." (New International Version)
• Genesis 1:16-17 "And God made two great lights; the greater light [SUN] to rule the day, and the lesser light [MOON] to rule the night: he made the stars also. And God set them in the firmament of the heaven [SKY] to give light upon the earth."
• Genesis 4:17 "And Cain knew [HAD SÈX WITH] his wife⁵…"
• Genesis 38:8-10 "And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed [SÈMEN] to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also."
• II Kings 6:28,29 "And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son tomorrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son."
• II Kings 18:27 "But Rab-shakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dùng [FÈCÈS], and drink their own píss with you?"
• Leviticus 18:23 "Neither shalt thou lie [HAVE SÈX] with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion."
• Leviticus 20:13 "If a man also lie [HAVE SÈX] with mankind [ANOTHER MAN], as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."
• Leviticus 25:44 "As for the male and female slaves whom you may have, it is from the nations around you that you may acquire male and female slaves."
• Matthew 10:34-36 (Jesus) "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household."
• Matthew 23:33 (Jesus) "Ye serpents [JEWS], ye generation of vipers [JEWS], how can ye escape the damnation of hell?"
• Numbers 5:27-28 "And when he hath made her drink the water [CONCOCTION], then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled [COMMITTED ADULTERY], and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot [ABORT PREGNANCY]..."
• Numbers 31:17 (Moses) "Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman [PREGNANT WOMEN] that hath known man by lying with him."
• Numbers 31:18 (Moses) "But all the women children [FEMALE CHILDREN OR VIRGINS], that have not known man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."

• Ahmed Chalabi (Head of the Iraqi National Congress⁷):
  1. "American companies will have a big shot at Iraqi oil." - Washington Post.
  2. CBS' 60 Minutes reported that Mr. Chalabi was working, "with the President's [GEORGE W. BUSH] and Vice President's [DICK CHENEY] friends in the oil industry, promising executives of both ChevronTexaco and ExxonMobil preferential treatment in a post Sadam Iraq."
• Ambrose Bierce:
  1. ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
  2. BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
  3. CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.
  4. DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.
  5. EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.
  6. FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.
  7. GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.
  8. HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
  9. IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.
  - For more such quotes, download the eBook version of Ambrose Bierce's The Devil's Dictionary from the DOWNLOADS section.
• Andrew Natsios: Anti-retroviral drugs are "extremely toxic" so that as many as "forty percent of people... who are HIV positive do not take the drugs... because they get so sick from the drugs that they cannot survive." - On why USAID advocates " "abstinence, faithfulness and the use of condoms" instead of drugs as a means to fight AIDS in Africa.
• Anil Kapoor: "My flops make more noise than their hits." - when asked about his consecutive flops of his high-budget films and hits by others actors.
• [Anonymous]: "The future of India is in your hands." - written above the urinal in men's toilet in Connemara Public Library, Egmore, Madras.
• "Cho" Ramaswamy: A reader asked Cho, editor of the Tughlak weekly, what he thought of the comparison that the then Prime Minister Narasimha Rao would be India's Gorbachev. Cho replied, "it would only worry Gorbachev very much."
• Confucius: It is difficult to find a black cat in a dark room, particularly when there is no cat.
• Dennis Dayle: "In my 30-year history in the Drug Enforcement Administration and related agencies, the major targets of my investigations almost invariably turned out to be working for the CIA." - For more, check out The CIA and Drugs
• Dan Quayle: We expect the Salvadorean officials to work towards the extermination of human rights.
• Eusebius: "We shall introduce into this history in general only those events which may be useful first to ourselves and afterwards to posterity." - of the Roman Catholic Church in Ecclesiastical History
• George Shultz: "A strong foundation exists for immediate military action against [Saddam] Hussein and for a multilateral effort to rebuild Iraq after he is gone." - In an op-ed article in The Washington Times a few months before his company, Bechtel,⁸ was awarded a $680-million Iraqi reconstruction contract by USAID.⁹
• St. Ignatius Loyola: We should always be disposed to believe that which appears to us to be white is really black, if the hierarchy of the church so decides.
• Brig. Gen. Jake Smith: "I want no prisoners. I wish you to kill and burn. The more you kill and burn the better it will please me.” - Message for US troops in response to guerilla tactics adopted by Filipino freedom fighters. Subsequently, more than 600,000 Filipinos were killed out of a population of only 7 million.
• Jerome K. Jerome: It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
• J. H. Patel: About protests by women's organisations against a beauty pageant competition, he said, "Only the ugly ones are protesting."
• Jilly Cooper: The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
• John O'Neill: "The main obstacles to investigate Islamic terrorism were U.S. oil interests and the role played by Saudi Arabia in it." - Former Deputy Director of the American FBI who quit his post as George W Bush blocked his efforts. Read all about it in the book Forbidden Truth.
• Jomo Kenyatta: "When you came, we held the land and you the Bible. Now, you hold the land and we the Bible." - to Christian missionaries.
• Les Dawson: My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for sex, she objects.
• Mae West: Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
• Mallika Sherawat: Men talk to my breasts.
• Mark Twain:
  1. Adam was but human - this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.
  2. A friend is someone who supports you when you are in the wrong. Just anyone will support you when you are in the right.
  3. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
  4. Hinduism is a good religion, but very difficult.
  5. If you always tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
  6. It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
  7. Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
  8. Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
• Martin Luther: "First, that their synagogues be burned down, and that all who are able toss sulphur and pitch; it would be good if someone could also throw in some hellfire..." - the founder of the Protestant religion in his On The Jews and Their Lies
• Martin Miller: "The first day, they were stiff and cautious. But before long they were totally relaxed and happy." - Vice-President of Unocal, after a delegation of Taliban was invited to his palatial home in Texas. Even George W Bush gave $124 million as late as 2000 in aid to the Taliban without any requirement of accountability.
• Pooja Bedi: "Opinions are like á$$holes. Everyone has one," said the former wannabe sex symbol of India when asked about other people's opinions.
• Ram Jethmalani: "I don't need a microphone; I need a silencer." - when asked by assembled mediamen (at a press conference) to either use a microphone or raise his voice.
• Robin Williams: Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
• Richard Cheney: "Now, I think things have gotten so bad inside Iraq, from the standpoint of the Iraqi people, my belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators." - U.S. Vice-President Cheney in NBC's Meet the Press on 16 March 2003.
• Maj. Gen. Smedley Butler: "I helped make Mexico, especially Tampico, safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenues in. I helped in the raping of half a dozen Central American republics for the benefits of Wall Street. The record of racketeering is long. I helped purify Nicaragua for the international banking house of Brown Brothers in 1909-1912. I brought light to the Dominican Republic for American sugar interests in 1916. In China I helped to see to it that Standard Oil went its way unmolested." - For more recent events, check out A Brief History of U.S. Interventions
• T. N. Seshan: Asked about MDMK party workers distributing playing tops (their election symbol) during the campaign period, he said, "It is a good thing they did not have an elephant for their symbol."
• Tom Stoppard: Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.
• Webster: The creator of the Webster's Dictionary was in bed with his maid. His wife, who was not expected there, walked in to the room. She said, "Mr. Webster. I am surprised". Mr. Webster, being a stickler for correctness, said, "No, dear. We are surprised. You are astonished."
• Woody Allen:
  • A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
  • Sex is funny thing people do without laughing.

"RELAX," says CNN, "It's not that bad." According to the CNN, George W. Bush should be seen under much better light than (guess who) Adolf Hitler. CNN's military analyst Gen. Wesley Clark says that Iraqis have fared much better than Yugoslavs did when they were attacked by Nazis in 1941. Aren't the Iraqis lucky to have Americans bombing their houses?
	TRANSCRIPT: But after the war's end, media surveys of Baghdad hospitals alone counted almost 2000 civilian deaths. Gen. Wesley Clark: "They are totally regrettable, but they are LOW by historical standards. When the Germans attacked Belgrade on 6th of April 1941, they began the attack with a bombing campaign. 17,000 Yugoslavs were killed in the first night of the German bombing."

People in Japan use a totally different line of emoticons. Unlike Western Smileys, you don't have to tilt your head to recognise them. Here are some samples.

(^ ^)	Smiling		(*^_^*)	Blushes when smiling
\(^o^)/	Raising hands and saying 'Wow'		(>_<)	Ouch - Indicating pain or failure
(T _ T)	Crying - Tears run down the cheeks		(-_-)zzz	Sleeping
(^_^)V	Showing the victory sign		(p_-)	Magnifying glass - Trying uncover some secret
(^^)//	Applauding		(-_-)	Getting angry, but not expressing it.
(@-@)	Feeling dizzy or giddy		(>_<  )(  >_<)	Denying something by shaking the head.
(=^.^=)	Cat - Am I pretty?		<*)) >=<	Fish

- From Hiroette.com

Some years back, there was a nationwide mass hysteria about angry Ganapathy idols. More recently, there were numerous news reports of mysterious attacks by the "monkey man." Here are some others.

• In the Book of Revelations, it has been mentioned that Jesus will come back and destroy the earth. In 1806, panic gripped Leeds (England) and surrounding areas when a hen began laying eggs inscribed with the message, "Christ is coming." Large numbers flocked to see the apocalyptic egg-laying hen. Later, a man caught the poor hen in the act of laying one of her "miraculous eggs" and it was soon determined that the eggs were inscribed with some corrosive ink and then cruelly forced up again into the bird's body.
• There was a Tamil film starring Kamalhasan and Sripriya a few decades ago in which a cobra is killed. Kamal then talks about the strong possibility of the deceased snake's widowed lover deciding to take revenge upon the killers. This myth has become so powerful that generations of Tamilians, who have not even seen the movie, kill all kinds of snakes fearing the snakes' nonexistent memory and face-recognition skills.
• Measles (known as Ammai in Tamil) is a disease that many people here think is a manifestation of a local deity (Amman). Normally, the affliction goes off without treatment. However, in children or in people with weak defences, proper medical supervision is required. Otherwise, it can lead to complications like blindness or even death. A godman in Melmaruvathur decided to use the myth as a marketing tool for the Amman temple he had built there. In the films produced to glorify the temple, a disbeliever usually gets the disease. The poor fellow earns the wrath of the deity by seeking medical attention, whereby his condition deteriorates. The patient then "repents" and is taken to the temple and gets miraculously cured. Other believers are usually rewarded with wealth or some kind of substitute for happiness. Every year, the temple gets visited by lakhs of devotees and earns the godman crores of rupees in donations. Many prominent atheistic politicians visit the godman regularly to earn his blessings.
• In 1997, sari manufacturers in Tamil Nadu used a rumour to beat the recession facing their industry. They spread a myth about an actual woman who committed suicide and about her curse on any woman who did not wear a green sari on a particular day. Textile shops showed brisk business for a week and on the appointed day the entire state was painted green by superstitious women.
• On June 24, 1947, Kenneth Arnold was piloting his private plane near the Cascade mountains in Washington state (US) when he saw what appeared to be nine glittering objects flying in an echelon-like formation near Mount Rainier. He tried to report it to the FBI office. On finding it closed, he went to a local newspaper and told a journalist the objects moved "like a saucer would if you skipped it across the water." The hack added some imagination of his own and his story was picked up by Associated Press and distributed worldwide. This incident seems to have started the "flying saucer" stories.
• In the sad aftermath of 9-11, a sick rumour was circulated stating that the attack was a Zionist (Jewish) conspiracy. To prove the claim, people were asked to type the letters QQ33NY in Wingdings font, which showed two aeroplanes, two buildings (pages actually), a danger symbol and the star of David (a symbol of Jewish faith).QQ33NY
• In 1990, a mass hysteria about vanishing genitalia gripped Nigeria. Men could be seen in the streets of Lagos holding on to their genitalia either openly or discreetly with their hands in their pockets. Women were also seen holding on to their breasts directly or discreetly by crossing the hands across the chest. A Christian priest even claimed that a Bible passage (Luke 8:46) where Jesus asked "Who touched me?" because the power had gone out of him, referred to genital stealing.
• A mass delusion that is still ON in the West is the "bible codes". When the words in the bible are put in a matrix and certain combinations of letters are looked at (as in a crossword puzzle), it brings out some random, but prophecy-like combinations. Everything from assasinations to cloning are supposed to have been mentioned. It started in 1997 when Michael Drosnin wrote a book called The Bible Code. It became a bestseller and many respectable Christian institutions have unwittingly supported it. Warner Brothers reportedly bought the rights to the book. Drosnin challenged the doubting thomases by claiming, "When my critics find a message about the assassination of a prime minister encrypted in Moby Dick, I'll believe them." Some guys took his words to task and found lots of assasination-related predictions in Moby Dick including the untimely demise of Mr. Drosnin himself after he is killed by "driving a nail into his heart," which "slices out a considerable hole."

• Osama and Mullah Omar were staying in a hideout with several camp followers. One day, Osama had to visit a place nearby for some purpose. He was afraid to leave the camp lest the guards sleep with women in the camp. To prevent this from happening, he installed a blade inside each woman's vagina. Anyone who tried to sleep with the women would have been painfully shortened. When he returned back, he made all the guards to strip and let their equipment be inspected. Quite a few men were found to be lacking their manhood and Osama asked Omar to have them executed. To his amazement, Mullah Omar would not make any such orders nor would he say anything. It was later found that Mullah Omar had lost his power of speech. ¹
• Osama arrived at a desert camp to hide there from the Americans. Some time later, he decided to inspect the camp. At the end of the inspection, he found some camels at a corner of the camp. He asked the keeper, "What are those camels doing inside the camp?" The keeper said, "There are no women inside the camp, sir. So, we use the camels." After several months of doing nothing in the simmering desert, Osama's hormones were taking a steep toll on him. As things reached a breaking point, he ran to the area where the camels were kept and hoisted himself to a camel's rear. The keeper who saw him rushing out went to him and asked, "What on earth are you doing, sir?" Osama countered, "Didn't you say you used the camels?" The keeper replied, "Yes sir. But, I meant that we used the camels to go the village and find the company of women there, sir." ⁴
• Osama was riding on his camel alone through the desert when he got lost. Strangely, his hormones started acting him up. He decided to use the camel to settle his urges. Sensing this, the camel ran away everytime he got very close. After chasing the camel around in the desert for quite time, he came across a bunch of hot Western tourists in a car. The car had had a breakdown and Osama offered to help. The hottest girl among them said, "If you fix our car, we will do anything you want." Osama knew a thing or two about cars and fixed their vehicle soon enough. When he was finished, the girls had stripped down to their bras and panties and were all all over him. One of them then asked, "How can we ever repay you, Mr. Laden. We will do anything you want us to do. Anything!" Without blinking, Osama said, "Can you hold my camel?" ²

• An archeologist who was on his honeymoon found a fossil of a rodent at a ruin. He woke up his sleeping wife and showed it to her. He said he thought it could have been a prehistoric squirrel. His wife said, "I had heard about squirrels bringing nuts into the home, but now I have seen a nut bringing home a squirrel."
• A man went to a restaurant and ordered a lobster. The waiter brought one on a plate. The patron found that the lobster had some of its limbs dismembered. When he asked about it, the waiter said, "Sir, the lobsters lose their limbs when they fight in the tank." The man replied, "In that case, get me the winner."
• "I am not having babies", a little girl announced to her friend. "They take 10 months to download."
• Mohammed Ali, the famous boxer, was on a plane that was waiting on the runway. The captain announced to all passengers that they fasten their seatbelts as the plane was about to take off. Ali did not put his seatbelt on. When an airhostess asked him to do so, he said, "Superman doesn't need seatbelts". The airhostess countered, "Superman does not need a plane either". Ali obeyed.
• Two pals, Mark and Peter, were travelling on a lonely stretch of road when a raging storm prevented any further movement of their car. There was no sign of human habitation for miles around the place except for a cottage where they knew a rich widow lived. They went to the cottage and asked if they could spend the night there. The old lady offered them rooms to sleep in. During the night, Mark heard Peter leave his room and knock on the door of the widow. Peter spent the night with the widow, but slipped back into his room before daybreak and pretended nothing happened. A few months later, Mark received a letter from the attorney of the widow. He then called Peter on the phone and asked, "Did you sleep with the widow that night?". Peter baulked a bit, but said, "Yes." "Did you say your name was Mark and not Peter?," Mark asked. Peter laughed and said, "Yah, I did." Mark laughed too and said, "Thanks. The widow recently died and left all her wealth to me."
• Two kids were picking nuts from a tree near a cemetery. After picking the nuts, they jumped over the fence into the cemetery when one of the boys dropped two nuts near the fence. They chose a grave and sat on it. They placed all the nuts between them and started dividing it among themselves. "One for you and one for me", they went on each time a nut was removed from the pile and placed near one another. Two men, one old and the other young, were walking outside the cemetery, and heard the boys. They came to close to the fence to see what was going on but could not see the boys. The young man said, "Maybe the Devil and Satan are dividing the souls of the dead among themselves. Don't you hear them saying, 'One for you and one for me'". Meanwhile, the boys finished dividing the nuts and one of them said, "What about the two nuts near the fence ?". The other said, "One for you and one for me". The two men heard this and started running for their dear lives with the older man beating the younger one to the village.

When you think in one language and speak in another, you are bound to make a few slips. But, only Navjot Singh Sidhu can make them sound so good and so thought-provoking. Here are some funny Sidhuisms.

• Age has been a perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.
• Even a dog can take on a crocodile on the land but the real test is to win when the croc is in the water.
• He is like a one-legged man in a bum-kicking competition.
• It is a bad omen if the jackal is licking the lambs.
• It will be like going to the zoo and watching the turtles race.
• Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
• The whistle does not pull the train.
• You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
• Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
• Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn.
• Its very difficult to kill a man who is hell bent upon committing suicide.
• Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
• You cannot make omelett without breaking the eggs.
• The cat with gloves catches no mice.
• The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.
• Beauty bewitches both the holder and the beholder.

The "Ali" brotherhood is not limited to the Iraqi Baath Party. The American Republican Party has its own due share of "Ali" wannabes. Both George W. Bush and Donald Rumsfeld are obvious candidates for the honor. They have been tentatively named as "Texas Ali" and "American Ali."

al-Sahaf, Mohammed Saeed
a.k.a.
"Comical Ali"

• Bush is a very stupid man. The American people are not stupid, they are very clever. I can't understand how such clever people came to elect such a stupid president.
• It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait.
• Lying is forbidden in Iraq. President Saddam Hussein will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honor and integrity. Everyone is encouraged to speak freely of the truths evidenced in their eyes and hearts.
• My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all.
• NO. We have retaken the airport. There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you IN ONE HOUR.
• Our armed forces, according to their tactics, are leaving the way open.
• They are most welcome. We will butcher them.
• We are winning!
• We have destroyed 50 tanks today. That's five-oh tanks [makes on 'O' with his fingers].
• We have shot down 2 Apache helicopters. Have the Americans said yet that they were shot down by their - what do they call it - friendly fire? No? Well... [dramatic pause, then smiles] ...not yet.

Bush, George W.
t.n.a.
"Texas Ali"

(Please understand that GWB suffers from dyslexia)

• Rarely is the question asked: IS our children learning?
• This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential MENTAL LOSSES.
• "This is PRESERVATION Month. I appreciate PRESERVATION. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta PRESERVE." - At a school observing Perseverance Month.
• Will the highways on the Internet become MORE FEW?
• The most important job is not to be governor, or FIRST LADY in my case.
• We ought to make the pie HIGHER.
• If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and PRINCIPLES, come and join this campaign.
• The fact that he relies ON FACTS ... says things that are not factual ... are going to undermine his campaign.
• I know how hard it is for you to put food ON your family.
• People FLEEING the liberated areas have been attacked by Iraqi thugs...
• I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.
• More and more of our imports come from overseas.
• They MISUNDERESTIMATED me.
• Families IS where our nation finds hope, where WINGS take DREAM.
• The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to TERRORIZE HIMSELF.
• Too many good OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.

- For more, visit Dubyaspeak.com

Rumsfeld, Donald
t.n.a.
"American Ali"

• If I know the answer I'll tell you the answer, and if I don't, I'll just respond, cleverly.
• I am shocked! ...Sort of.
• It's [IRAQ] an enormous country. You know, it's bigger than Texas! [unclear word]'s big, I guess - I haven't looked lately.
• If I said yes, that would then suggest that that might be the only place where it might be done which would not be accurate ... necessarily accurate ... it might also not be inaccurate, but I mean ... I'm disinclined to mislead anyone.
• I also know that stating what might be preferable, er, is simply stating what might be preferable.
• It's like, you know, stirring for troubled waters.
• We do have a saying in America: if you're in a hole, stop digging ..... er, I'm not sure I should have said that.
• For people to waste their time chasing that rabbit, only to run it down and find they've got the wrong rabbit, I think is a shame.
• Were they Afghans, they could melt into the ... scenery...
• ... a large number of people to begin crawling through those tunnels and caves looking for the bad folks.
• This is fantastic - I've got a laser pointer! ... Holy mackerel ... ah man, that's terrific!
• Near my office is an American flag done in ... origami ... that's one of those words that I haven't mastered yet.
• We do know of certain knowledge that he [OSAMA BIN LADEN] is either in Afghanistan, or in some other country, or dead.
• Well, um, something's neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so, I suppose - as Shakespeare said.
• I believe what I said yesterday ... I don't know what I said, er, but I know what I think, and ... well, I assume it's what I said.
• Oh goodness ... I shouldn't say 'I don't think so', although that's what I think.
• "We know where they are. They're in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat." - About hidden WMD in Iraq.
• The message is that there are known knowns - there are things that we know that we know. There are known unknowns - that is to say, there are things that we now know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns - there are things we do not know we don't know. And each year we discover a few more of those unknown unknowns.